Children grieve just as adults do. Any child old enough to form a relationship will experience some form of grief when a relationship is severed. Adults may not view a child behavior as grief as it is often demonstrated in behavioral patterns which we misunderstand and do not appear to us to be grief such as "moody," "cranky," or "withdrawn." When a death occurs, children need to be surrounded by feelings of warmth, acceptance and understanding. This may be a tall order to expect of the adults who are experiencing their own grief and upset.
Caring adults can guide children through this time when the child is experiencing feelings for which they have no words and thus can not identify. In a very real way, this time can be a growth experience for the child, teaching about love and relationships.
The first task is to create an atmosphere in which the child's thoughts, fears and wishes are recognized. This means that they should be allowed to participate in any of the arrangements, ceremonies and gatherings which are comfortable for them.
First, explain what will be happening and why it is happening at a level the child can understand. A child may not be able to speak at a grandparent's funeral but would benefit greatly from the opportunity to draw a picture to be placed in the casket or displayed at the service.
Be aware that children will probably have short attention spans and may need to leave a service or gathering before the adults are ready. Many families provide a non-family attendant to care for the children in this event.
The key is to allow the participation, not to force it. Forced participation can be harmful. Children instinctively have a good sense of how involved they wish to be. They should be listened to carefully.
Someone you know may be experiencing grief- perhaps the loss of a loved one, perhaps another type of loss - and you want to help. The fear of making things worse may encourage you to do nothing. Yet you do not wish to appear to be uncaring. Remember that it is better to try to do something, inadequate as you may feel, than to do nothing at all.
Don't attempt to soothe or stifle the emotions of the griever. Tears and anger are an important part of the healing process. Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the result of a strong relationship and deserves the honor of strong emotion. When supporting someone in their grief the most important thing is to simply listen.
Grief is a very confusing process, expressions of logic are lost on the griever. The question "tell me how you are feeling" followed by a patient and attentive ear will seem like a major blessing to the grief stricken. Be present, reveal your caring, listen. Your desire is to assist your friend down the path of healing. They will find their own way down that path, but they need a helping hand, an assurance that they are not entirely alone on their journey. It does not matter that you do not understand the details, your presence is enough.
Risk a visit, it need not be long. The mourner may need time to be alone but will surely appreciate the effort you made to visit. Perform some act of kindness. There are always ways to help. Run errands, answer the phone, prepare meals, mow the lawn, care for the children, shop for groceries, meet incoming planes, or provide lodging for out of town relatives. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention.
Bereavement is a powerful, life-changing experience that most people find overwhelming the first time. Although grief is a natural process of human life, most of us are not inherently able to manage it alone. At the same time, others are often unable to provide aid or insight because of discomfort with the situation and the desire to avoid making things worse. The following passage explains how some of our "normal" assumptions about grief may make it more difficult to deal with.
Something has left your life and changed it. However much you may wish otherwise, you will never be the same.
You may find that each day has become an agony for you, that you cannot escape your anguish. You may know what it's like to finally fall asleep, only to discover that your torture does not leave you; it follows you in your dreams. When you awaken, it stabs at you once more. You may wonder how long you'll be able to go on living like this. You may wonder if it will ever get better, or if there will be anything to hope for or live for again.
However long this troubling time lasts, chances are it will seem too long.
Almost always it goes on too long for people around you, especially those who do not understand how much your life has been affected. They may want you to return to normal more quickly than you're able. They may not realize that your “old normal” may not be your “new normal.” They may act concerned if your sadness persists. They may resist your needing to talk about what has happened to you, and what is happening within you.
Your grieving may go on longer than you want it to. You may tire of feeling always tired. You may grow weary of your weariness. You may feel weakened by the continuing pain. Your task, however, is to remain in your pain long enough—not a day longer than you need to, but not a day less than your loss demands. For however uncomfortable this time is for you, it is serving a purpose. It is helping you heal. And all wounds heal the same way—from the inside out.
The best way to handle your feelings is not to “handle” them but to feel them. The best way to go through this process of dealing with loss is by following your own timetable and with your feelings firmly in place. The healthiest way to deal with your emotions is to feel them as they happen, whenever that is, wherever that occurs.
You may experience feelings you'd expect. You may be sad about what has happened and what it means for your life. You may feel depressed, even despairing. You may find that you're more afraid than normal. You may feel lonely. You may be even more lonely when you're with other people, including people you love. You may feel tired all the time. You may be easily distracted.
There are other feelings you may not expect to have. You may be angry, if not enraged. You may be unusually anxious and not understand why. You may feel a real sense of relief, as if a burden has been lifted from you. Afterward you may feel embarrassed that you felt so relieved. You may feel guilty, unexpectedly so.
Another sensation you may experience is this: almost no feeling at all. You may feel empty and numb. That's a common reaction at first. It's a sign that your body may be protecting you for awhile, until you are more ready to process all that has occurred.
What you are going through is an ordeal. It takes courage to face all you must face. It takes a huge amount of energy, and at a time when your energy reserves are in short supply. It takes dogged determination to keep doing day after day what is yours to do these days: to feel all that you feel.
You cannot escape your emotions. Your choice is simply this: you can experience your feelings and move through them as they surface, or you can put them off until another time. But you do not have the choice of putting them off forever. Somehow, sometime, your feelings will demand your attention. By then they may be even stronger and deeper than now.
Remember: the best way out is always through. The best way to get beyond your feelings is to experience them as fully as you can and as often as you need to.
You’ll grieve in your own unique way, and a general pattern will emerge as you do so.
Those around you may be full of ideas about how you’re supposed to grieve, and how not. You may be told that grief comes in clear-cut stages and you may even be given a name for the stage you’re supposedly going through. It’s important for you to be clear that this is your grief, not theirs. You’ll grieve in no one’s way but your own.
Grief can affect your mind and body.
Grief is about more than your feelings—it will show up in how you think. You may disbelieve this person actually died. You may have episodes of thinking like this even long after they died. Your mind may be confused and your thinking muddled. You may find it difficult to concentrate on just about everything. Or you may be able to focus your attention but all you can focus on is the one who died, or how they died, or your life together before they died.
Physical responses are also to be expected.
You may experience tightness in your throat, heaviness across your chest, or pain around your heart. Your stomach may be upset, along with other intestinal disturbances. You may have headaches, hot flashes, or cold chills. You may be dizzy at times, or tremble more than usual, or find yourself easily startled. Some people find it hard to get their breath.
You may undergo changes in your behavior.
You may sleep less than you used to and wake up at odd hours. Or you may sleep more than normal. You may have odd dreams or frightening nightmares. You may become unusually restless, moving from one activity to another, sometimes not finishing one thing before moving on to the next. Or you may sit and do nothing for long periods. Some people engage in what’s called "searching behavior"—you look for your loved one’s face among a crowd of people, for instance, even though you know they’ve died. You may become attached to things you associate with your loved one, like wearing an article of their clothing or carrying a keepsake that belonged to them. Or you may wish to avoid all such reminders.
Grief can affect your relationships and everyday activities.
Many grieving people want to spend more time alone. Sometimes they’re drawn to the quiet and safety they experience there, and sometimes it’s a way of dodging other people. Even venturing out to the grocery store, a shopping mall, or a worship service can feel uncomfortable. There are some people, however, who want to be around others even more than before.
You may find that you’re jealous of people around you who aren’t grieving. You may envy what they have that you don’t. You may resent how much they take for granted when you now realize that nothing should ever be taken for granted. You may become critical in ways that are unlike you. Fortunately, this shift is usually temporary.
Some grieving people report unusual happenings that are not easy to describe yet seem very real. You may be going about your daily life and suddenly have a sense of your loved one’s presence. Some people report having auditory or visual experiences related to this person. At times the loved one offers a message during a dream or time of meditation. Try not to worry if something like this should happen to you once in a while. Such experiences are more common than you might think.
Following are some suggestions for people who are mourning the death of a loved one. Different kinds of losses call for different responses, so not all of these ideas will suit everyone. Likewise, no two people grieve alike—what works for one may not work for another. Treat this list for what it is: a gathering of assorted ideas that various people have tried with success. Perhaps what helped them through their grief will help you. And perhaps you are developing your own ideas that will one day assist others.
1. Talk regularly with a friend.
Talking regularly about what you think and feel is one of the best things you can do for yourself. It helps relieve some of the pressure you may feel, it gives you a sense of perspective, and it keeps you in touch with others.
2. Walk.
Go for walks outside every day if you can. Don’t overdo it, but walk briskly enough that it feels invigorating. Sometimes try walking slowly enough so you can look carefully at whatever you want to see. Observe what nature has to offer you, what it can teach you.
3. Carry or wear a linking object.
Carry something in your pocket or purse that reminds you of the one who died—a keepsake they gave you perhaps, or a small object they once carried or used, or a memento you have selected for this purpose. Whenever you want, reach for or gaze upon this object and remember what it signifies.
4. Visit the grave.
Not all people prefer to do this. But if it feels right to you, then do so. Don’t let others convince you this is a morbid thing to do. Spend whatever time feels right there. Stand or sit in the quietness and do what comes naturally: be silent or talk, breathe deeply or cry, recollect or pray.
5. Create a memory book.
Compile photographs that were taken through the years which document your loved one’s life. Arrange them into some sort of order so they tell a story. Add other elements if you want: diplomas, newspaper clippings, awards, honors, accomplishments. Reminisce as you do so.
6. Recall your dreams.
Your dreams often have important things to say about your feelings and about your relationship with the one who died. Your dreams may be scary or sad, especially early on. They may seem weird or crazy to you. You may find that your loved one appears in your dreams in various ways. Accept your dreams and see what you can learn from them.
7. Tell people what helps you and what doesn’t.
People around you may not understand what you need. So tell them. If hearing your loved one’s name spoken aloud by others feels good, say so. If you need more time alone, or assistance with chores you’re unable to do, or an occasional hug, be honest. People can’t read your mind, so you’ll have to speak it.
8. Write things down.
Most people who are grieving become more forgetful than usual. So help yourself remember what you want by keeping track of it on paper or with whatever system works best for you. This may include writing down things you want to preserve about the person who has died.
9. Ask for a copy of the memorial service.
If the funeral liturgy or memorial service held special meaning for you because of what was spoken or read, ask for the words. Whoever participated in that ritual will feel gratified that what they prepared was appreciated. Turn to these words whenever you want.
10. Plant something living as a memorial.
Plant a flower, a bush, or a tree in memory of the one who died. Or plant several things. Do this ceremonially if you wish, perhaps with others present, perhaps not. If you do this where you live, you can watch it grow and change day by day, season by season.
11. Plan at least one thing you’ll do each day.
Even if your grief is very painful and your energy very low, plan ahead to complete at least one thing each day, even if it’s small. Then follow through with your plan, day after day. Help yourself feel that you’re not entirely at the mercy of this powerful experience—there are some things you can do.
12. Spend time in your loved one’s space.
If it’s what you want to do, you may sit in the other’s favorite chair, or lie in their bed, or just stand for a few moments in their room or among their possessions. Do this if it brings you comfort. But don’t do it if it feels too awkward. You’ll know quickly enough what’s right for you.
13. Journal.
Write out your thoughts and feelings. Do this whenever you feel the urge, but do it at least several times a week, if not several times a day. Don’t censor what you write. In time, go back through your writings and notice how you’re changing and growing. Write about that, too.
14. Rest.
Grieving is hard work. So do what’s best for you: get your rest. Take naps if you wish. Lie down from time to time. Relax in a comfortable chair. Pace yourself so you have interludes in which you can replenish yourself. Give yourself permission to take things easy.
15. Purchase something soft to sleep with.
A teddy bear is a favorite choice for many. But there are other options. Select something that feels warm and cuddly. Then, whatever your age, cuddle it.
16. Write the one who died.
Write letters or other messages to your loved one, thoughts you wish you could express if they were present. And who knows but what they’re not present in some way? Preserve what you write in your journal if you wish, or on stationery, or on a computer.
17. Get a physical.
It’s a good idea to get a physical examination within a few months of the death. It’s expected for you to experience various physical reactions when you’re grieving, but it’s also helpful to make sure that your body is acting normally, whatever “normal” may be for you. Your physician can be an important ally at this time of your life.
18. Get physical.
Exercise. Flex your muscles. Stretch your body. Expand your lungs. It will help you feel better.
19. If you’re alone, and if you like animals, consider getting a pet.
The attention and affection a pet provides may help you adapt to the loss of the attention and affection you’re experiencing. Pets can also be fun to play with. Certain pets offer you a sense of personal security, too.
20. Light a candle at mealtime.
Especially if you eat alone, but even if you don’t, consider lighting a taper at the table in memory of your loved one. Pause to remember them as you light it.
21. Donate their possessions meaningfully.
Whether you give your loved one’s personal possessions to someone you know or to a stranger, find ways to pass these things along so that others might benefit from them. Some wish to do this quickly following the death, while others wish to wait awhile.
22. Create a memory area at home.
In a space that feels appropriate, arrange a small tableau that honors the person: a framed photograph or two, perhaps a prized possession or award, or something they created, or something they loved. This might be placed on a small table, or a mantel, or a desk. Some people like to use a grouping of candles.
23. Drink water.
Grieving people can easily become dehydrated. Crying can naturally lead to that. And with your normal routines turned upside down, you may simply not drink as much or as regularly as you did before the death. Make this one way you care for yourself.
24. Use your hands.
Sometimes it helps to do repetitive things with your hands, something you don’t have to think about very much because it becomes second nature. Knitting and crocheting are like that. So are carving, woodworking, polishing, solving jigsaw puzzles, painting, braiding, shoveling, washing, and countless other activities.
25. Begin your day with your loved one.
If your grief is young, you’ll probably wake up thinking of that person anyway. So why not decide that you’ll include her or him from the start? Focus this time in a positive way. Bring to your mind fulfilling memories. Recall lessons this person taught you, “gifts” he or she gave you. Think about how you can spend your day in ways that would be in keeping with your loved one’s best self, and with your best self. Then carry that best self with you through your day.
26. Invite someone to be your phone buddy.
If your grief and sadness hit you especially hard at times and you have no one nearby to turn to, ask someone you trust to be your telephone buddy. Gain their permission to call them whenever you feel you’re at loose ends, day or night.
27. Avoid certain people if you must.
No one likes to be unfriendly or cold. But if there are people in your life who make it very difficult for you to do your grieving, then try to stay out of their way. Some people may lecture you, or belittle you, or antagonize you, either knowingly or unknowingly. Take care of your health during your grief, including your emotional health.
28. Listen to music.
Choose the music you believe will help you at a given moment, whether it’s contemporary or ancient, instrumental or vocal, secular or religious. Let the sounds surround you and soothe you. Take this music with you, if you wish, as you go about your day.
29. Do something your loved one would enjoy.
Remember the one who died in your own unique way. One widowed woman has a special sauerkraut meal once a year. She doesn’t like this tangy dish herself, but it was her husband’s favorite, and she finds solace in remembering him in that way. There are probably a hundred different things you could do that once brought meaning or satisfaction to the one you loved. The meaning and satisfaction don’t have to end.
30. Write stories about your loved one.
Recreate those events you don’t want to forget. Write them out in detail. Describe everything as well as you can. Add dialogue as you wish. Make an entire collection of stories. It will help you today, and it will become a valuable resource for yourself and others in the future.
31. Screen your entertainment.
Some television shows and movies are best not viewed when you’re deep in grief. The same goes for certain books or articles. Do a bit of research before you find yourself in the midst of an experience which brings up too many feelings for you to handle comfortably.
32. Read practical books and articles on grief.
Reading is a great way to find your way through this roundabout experience. Steer clear of those books that are like textbooks for professionals. Go for the ones that speak to you directly and honestly as a person in mourning.
35. Engage your soul.
You’ll want to do this your own way. Some people meditate, some pray, and some spend time alone in nature. Some worship with a congregation and others do it on their own. Many grieving people begin to sense that all of us, living and dead, are connected on a spiritual level in a way that defies easy understanding. Include your soul as you grow through your grief.
36. Change some things.
As soon as it seems right, alter some things in your home to make clear this significant change that has occurred. Rearrange a room or replace a piece of furniture or give away certain items that will never again be used in your home. This does not mean to remove all signs of the one who died. It does mean not treating your home or your loved one’s room as a shrine.
37. Plan ahead for special days.
Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other special events can be difficult times, especially for the first year or two. Give thought beforehand for how you will handle those days. Do things a little differently than you used to, as a way of acknowledging this change in your life. But also be sure to invoke that person’s presence and memory somehow during the day.
38. Allow yourself to laugh.
Sometimes something funny will happen to you, just like it used to. Sometimes you’ll recall something hilarious that happened in the past. When that happens, go ahead and laugh if it feels funny to you. You won’t be desecrating your loved one’s memory. You’ll be consecrating their love of life, and your own, too.
39. Allow yourself to cry.
Crying often goes naturally with grief. Tears well up and fall even when you least expect them. Subdued sniffles can become racking sobs on a moment’s notice. It may feel awkward to you, but this is not unusual for a person in your situation. A good rule of thumb is this: if you feel like crying, then cry. If not, then don’t. Some grieving people seldom cry—it’s just their way.
40. Talk to the other one.
If it helps, you might “talk with” the one who died as you drive alone in your car, or as you stand beside the grave, or as you gather your courage to make an important decision. This talking might be out loud, or under your breath. Either way, it’s the same: you’re simply wishing the other was with you so you could talk things over, and for the moment you’re doing the best you can to continue that conversation. This inclination will go away when the time is right.
41. Donate in the other’s name.
Honor the other’s memory and spirit by giving a gift or gifts to a cause the other would appreciate whether it is world hunger, a favorite charity, a local fund raiser, or a building project. Extend that person’s influence just a bit farther.
42. Plant yourself in nature.
Dig a flower garden and keep it in color as long as possible. Dig a vegetable garden and stay close to it until frost. Walk in forests and put your hands on trees. Collect leaves and wildflowers. Watch firsthand how rivers and lakes and oceans behave.
43. Connect on the Internet.
You’ll find various resources for people in grief, as well as the opportunity to “chat” with fellow grievers. You can link up with others without leaving your home. You’ll also find much more to expand your horizons as a person who is beginning to grow.
44. Read how others have responded to a loved one’s death.
You may feel that your own grief is all you can handle. But if you’d like to look at the ways others have done it, try C. S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed, Lynn Caine’s Widow, John Bramblett’s When Good-Bye Is Forever, or Nicholas Wolterstorff’s Lament for a Son. There are many others. Check with a counselor or a librarian.
45. Learn about your loved one from others.
Listen to the stories others have to tell about the one who died, both stories you’re familiar with and those you’ve never heard before. Spend time with their friends or schoolmates or colleagues. Invite them into your home. Solicit the writings of others.
46. Give yourself rewards.
Be kind to yourself in grief. Do those things for yourself that you really enjoy, perhaps at the end of a long day, or in the midst of a lonely time. Treat yourself to a favorite meal or delicacy. Get a massage. Buy some flowers. Do something frivolous that makes you feel good.
47. Do something for someone else.
Step out of your own problems from time to time and devote your attention to someone else. Offer a gift or your service. Do this for yourself as well as the other.
48. Write down your lessons.
Reflect upon what it is you’re learning. State it as plainly as you’re able. Remember those lessons as you go about your days.
